Sometimes I Wait at the Bottom of the Stairs When You Go To Shower..."I Don't Do That. Sometimes I Don't Shower, but..."

"So sometimes I'm really creepy, does anyone notice?"

Insert Foot Into Mouth Now

"Why do I talk, it only goes badly."

microwave oven or bun in the oven?

"shouldn't you be able to make a computer?"

"no, can you build everything that you use, can you make a microwave?"

"no, but thats different, i'm not in engineering."

"fine, can you make a human?"

"...yes."

"oh."

What Province Am I Thinking Of?

"He met his soulmate. They talked about politics all night and he didn't want to go home."
"Oh really, what's her name?"
"His name's Guillme"

Today was Tomorrow and Soon to Be Yesterday

"I used to get yesterday and tomorrow confused all the time, but like, I'm getting better"

"Self Hate is Vital to the Artistic Process"

"I have my own song stuck in my head, it's pretty painful."

So Sweet, So Beautiful

"Why are you eating expired yogurt?"

"it's best before, not shitty after!"

Courtesy of...

Go to the Proctologist

"I have some calc problems to do"
"I have anal problems"

An Apple a Day...Keeps Your Foot On?

"If they're diabetic and you give them sugar, their foot will fall off.

...

No, no, no, I mean if you eat an entire chocolate cake your foot will fall off."

That's How You Chop Wood

"I don't mind, as long as someone talks to me I don't notice what my hands are doing."

Don't Worry, I Just Don't Like You

"So when I go to other people's houses, not people I know, but like dinner parties. I always use the kleenex instead of toilet paper. It's just so much softer and I don't mind wasting it."

Seeing is Believing

"How did you get a management agenda? I want a management agenda."
"I don't have one"
"It's right there I see it, Managment Agenda"
"It says Time Management."

personal growth

"so, I got over my fear of penguins, but my fear of people walking like penguins; not so much."

Control Yourself, Take Only What You Need from Them

"Oh we have to dance, MGMT is playing, Hipsters love MGMT"

Risky Business

"Guy dressed like me and girl dressed like me should make out...It would be hot."

MILF

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So That's What They Do in Halifax

guy walks into room with two people and jumps on bed:
"THREESOME"

guy walks into room with 3 people, tackles girl to bed :
"FOURSOME"

guy 2 dressed up as guy 1

"oh my god, he looks like such a hipster...wait, do i always look like that much of a hipster?"

How Every Great Romance Begins...

Guy walks into room to see his roomate hooking up with a girl

"So...do you guys just want to get this over with and we can all split a cab home?

...

Alright, I'll let you think about it."

What Better Way To Spend An Afternoon?

If I had boobs this big I would just squeeze them all day!

What a Bitch!

"There's nowhere for the perfume to come out. Oh it's twist. oh wait, it's not even a twist, it's just a pull."

She was Throwing Knives at Me

"Oh, I thought the mouse traps we're just for fun."

For All You Art Students This May Be Hard to Read

Learning Experiences

"I guess it does make your hair more than hot"

Daily Exercises

Life.

Key Cutting Museum

"You guys never let me run small businesses out of our spare room"

"You guys never let me have a bed and breakfast"

"You guys never let me dress like you"

"You guys never let me insert things"

Hot Stick

"This thing doesn't do anything, it just makes my hair hot."